I want to write an alternative version of Romeo and Juliet where instead of being a little ponce and trying to work things out for himself, Romeo asks his smarter friends what to do about the whole thing and Benvolio and Mercutio come up with the world’s greatest plan:
Marriage of convenience between Juliet and Mercutio.
Think about it.
Juliet’s parents want her to marry into the Prince’s family. Mercutio is a good compromise between no marriage and Paris.
Mercutio probably won’t get his inheritance if he keeps being HELLA FUCKING GAY ALL OVER THE PLACE so a beard is only a benefit to him.
They would probably get along great rolling their eyes at how adorably stupid Romeo is.
Romeo and Benvolio could get a “bachelor pad” right next to Juliet and Mercutio’s house. Every night, Romeo and Mercutio high five as they hop the fence to go bang their one true love.
The second half of the play is just all of them trying to keep up the charade and being “THIS CLOSE” to getting caught all the time. But everything ends nicely because true love conquers all.
Everybody wins. Nobody dies.
- my walkie-talkie’s picking up your walkie-talkie au
- alone in a dance class and I need a partner au
- famous youtube personalities asked to co-host a ceremony together au
- church-shopping for a less conservative denomination au
- support group au
- at zombie camp when the zombie apocalypse happens so we are actually prepared au
- protestant reformation au
- we’re in the same field but we live on different sides of the country/world and only get to see each other during conferences au
- movie critic/director au
- evil scientist’s child who wandered off during take your kid to work day + prisoner being used as test subject au
- quarantined together au
- my car broke down on the side of the road and my cell phone’s dead so I’ll just stand here looking pathetic and wait for someone to pull over au
- reluctant criminal + random hostage au
- there’s someone following me can you pretend to be my significant other until they leave au
- olympic athletes au
- olympic athlete + harried local who’s really pissed over how the ceremony’s mucking up traffic au
- ghost/reincarnated lover au
- ghost + ghost hunter au
I was listening to First Test today, and I got to the part where Kel is rushing out to serve Lord Wyldon, but she trips and falls on oil that someone put there, so she has to change and is late. Kel merely changes her clothes and starts leaving out her window, but I started thinking about how Alanna would have reacted.
And now I’ve spent all day thinking about how the series’ would be different if they were switched; what if Kel had disguised herself as a boy and Alanna was the first female page?
I can’t think about anything else.
Kel goes to court as Kal and meets George and Jon and Gary and everybody else, but is completely uninterested romantically, so there isn’t a love triangle. But everybody loves her for her completely straight faced reactions to everything accompanied by sardonic remarks. Kel fights Ralon because bullies. Kel playing chess and making fun of Myles. Kel going with Jon to fight the Ysandir because she knows he can’t do it by himself. Duke Roger not knowing what to do because he can’t tell what she thinks of him. Kel becoming the Woman Who Ride Like a Man, but making the changes easier because she knows about the complications in cultures clashing. Kel confusing Wyldon with her level-headedness as he tries to pick fights.
Alanna responding to sexist comments with witty comebacks. Alanna making friends with Eda Bell. Alanna getting into fights with Peachblossom and shouting at her stubborn horse in the stables. Alanna and Neal bickering constantly. Kel taking Neal as her squire. Neal mouthing off but then being cowed by Kel’s stone face and constant vegetables. Alanna fighting all the conservatives in tournaments. Alanna raising the griffin. Alanna having to deal with all th epeople and babies in Haven. Alanna hunting down Blayce with incoherent fury.
I realize many of the circumstances would not actually occur, as Kel is not a mage and other differences, but I am just so amused.
(There was a call to make an LJ post today, so since I was thinking about how Hufflepuff gets absolutely no love the other day, you get my sorry attempts at fic.)
“Help!” cried the very junior wizard, falling down on the doorstep of the medium-sized cottage that would someday be Hogwarts. “Help! The giants are invading!”
“Giants?” asked Godric Gryffindor, sticking his head out of the window. “I thought we beat those last week.”
“These are different giants,” said the junior wizard. “Also wolves. And basilisks.”
“Wolves and basilisks?”
“The wolves are riding the basilisks,” said the wizard. “Look, it’s a bit of a mess, all right?” He rubbed his forehead.
“Are they werewolves?” called Helga Hufflepuff, from inside the cottage. “I firmly believe that werewolves should be judged by their actions as individuals. This anti-lycanthropic discrimination has got to stop.”
“They’re riding basilisks,” said Godric. “They’re probably not upstanding members of the werewolf community.”
“Wouldn’t they have turned to stone?” asked Rowena Ravenclaw, who was sitting in an armchair with a book. She turned a page.
“Smoked goggles,” said the junior wizard shortly. “Incidentally, I’m bleeding rather a lot.”
“Oh, you poor dear,” said Helga, wiping her hands on her apron. “Come in and we’ll get you fixed up.”
The junior wizard sat at the dining room table and was given cookies and a very large brandy, while the four great wizards planned their next move.
Unfortunately, they were still not very good at working together. Godric wanted a straight charge up the middle, death-or-glory style. Rowena wanted an elaborate battle plan involving perfect timing and the movement of a great many troops they didn’t actually have. Salazar suggested they just seed the enemy’s supplies with botulism and canine distemper.
“Cowardly!” cried Godric. But Rowena looked thoughtful. Helga tapped a fingernail on her teeth.
In the end, it was agreed that they would simply all meet on the field of battle tomorrow, ready to fight, and see what the future held.
In the morning, three wizards gathered on the field of battle. It was a groad, grassy bowl, bordered by hills. Giants and basilisks and werewolves wearing glasses lurked on the far side, although the werewolves were looking a little strung out by the lack of moonlight.
Rowena was surrounded by a swirling cloud of ravens. They flapped and shrieked in harsh voices.
“Nice,” said Salazar. “Bit goth, though.”
“Says a man wearing a giant snake as a bandolier.”
“That’s not goth, that’s metal. It’s different.”
Godric was riding a griffin and was a bit annoyed that no one had mentioned how cool it was.
“You know that thing’ll go to sleep if somebody throws a coat over its head,” said Salazar nastily.
“Shut up,” said Godric. “You can’t ride your snake.”
“A snake big enough to ride would need a redesigned nervous system,” said Rowena absently. “You couldn’t get the messages to the tail fast enough. Not sure the circulatory system would hold up, either, to be honest—“
“I notice somebody hasn’t shown up,” said Salazar.
“I’m sure Helga will be here in a minute,” said Rowena.
“What’s she going to do, bake cookies at them?”
“She can be the healer,” said Godric. “Healers are important.”
Salazar rolled his eyes.
They waited. The griffin crapped and everybody had to move upwind.
“We should never have invited her,” said Salazar. “She can’t found a wizarding school. Her greatest ambition is to get the garden weeded before company comes over.”
“I’ve seen some pretty lethal plant wizards,” said Godric loyally. “With…um…you know, big thorn hedge things…” He made hand gestures. Salazar looked at him like he was an idiot.
The ravens were getting bored. They ceased swirling and landed on the grass, grumbling to each other. “Ark. Ark Ark? Ark.”
Godric ran a hand through his hair. “Okay,” he admitted. “Maybe this isn’t really playing to Helga’s strengths. We could…errr…”
The ground rumbled.
The ravens took flight. The griffin squawked. Salazar’s snake constricted in a panic, and Rowena had to help him get it unwound from around his neck.
The grassy hillside split open.
Claws as long as a man’s thigh emerged from the earth. Clods of dirt flew as a gigantic beast emerged, shaking its head. A cloud of wet air belched over the three wizards, smelling of worms and turned earth.
“Sorry!” called a voice from inside the cloud. “Sorry! Monty, you came up too close! You’ll trample the wrong people!””
“Oh dear god, it’s a badger,” said Godric.
“Dire badger, I believe,” said Rowena. “Meles dirus. I thought they were extinct…”
Salazar put a hand over his eyes.
It was the size of a house. Helga’s saddle was halfway up the creature’s back, nearly lost on that vast curve of spine. She was still wearing her apron and her gardening gloves.
The badger shook itself again, spattering them all with dirt. The black and white stripes were visible now, along with tiny reins that ran to the base of the creature’s whiskers. It was wearing goggles that appeared to have been cobbled together from ship’s portholes.
“Good badger!” said Helga. “Who’s a good boy, then?”
“She named the badger Monty,” said Salazar to no one in particular.
“Sorry I’m late,” said Helga. “It was hard to get the goggles on him. But he’s such a good badger! Does a good badger want to stomp the mean giants for Mommy?”
The dire badger gave another belching roar and waved its claws.
“Kill me,” said Salazar to Rowena.
“Godric would love to.”
“I don’t want to give him the satisfaction.”
“All right,” said Godric, feeling that his authority was somewhat diminished by the fact that his very cool griffin was only about a tenth the size of Helga’s badger. “All right. Um. It’s not the size of the—“
“Keep telling yourself that, Godric,” said Rowena.
Monty began lumbering toward the enemy.
“Would it be okay if we charged now?” called Helga. “I hope it’s okay! Monty’s not very good at waiting…”
The dire badger broke into a waddling run.
Godric spurred the griffin, because there was absolutely no glory in being left behind by a badger.
Rowena and Salazar walked, rather more sedately, toward the enemy.
“So, about letting her help found the school…” said Rowena.
“I can admit when I’m wrong,” said Salazar, once Godric was out of earshot.
“Yes, but you never do.”
“This is me admitting that I am possibly wrong.” He adjusted his snake. “But you have to admit, you didn’t see the badger coming either.”
“No,” said Rowena Ravenclaw, “no, the giant badger was a surprise.” She considered. “Hard work and loyalty aren’t bad principles.”
“They’re a lot better when you’ve got a giant goddamn war-badger to back them up.”
And none of the other founders ever questioned Helga Hufflepuff’s right to found a wizarding house ever again.
By the power vested in me by my extreme arrogance, I hereby confirm this story as actual Harry Potter canon.
- I watched Winter Soldier yesterday, and the only thing more entertaining than the movie was my mother's reactions. Keep in mind, this is the woman who walks out of Disney movies because parts are "too awful"
- Mum: Who is that?
- Me: That's the bad guy.
- Mum: why did he just shoot her?
- Me: because he's evil.
- Mum: but why?
- Me: because he's the villain.
- Mum: why did he just do that?
- Me: That's the bad guy, he wants to kill people.
- Mum: but why?
- Me: because he works for Hydra
- Mum: what's that?
- Me: Nazis
- Mum: Why?
- Me: they...pay well???? because he's evil!
- Mum: Oh! That guy just got shot
- Me: yes.
- Mum: what about the Falcon guy? is he a good guy?
- Me: yes, Sam is a good guy and we like him
- Mum: what about her?
- Me: that's Black Widow, he like her.
- Mum: but she just shot someone!
- Me: She shot a bad guy, it's ok
- Mum: I don't like her she's got a gun
- Me: lots of them have guns, Mum.
- Mum: who is that?
- Me: that's Bucky. He's that guy's best friend
- Mum: then why is he attacking people if he's a good guy?
- Me: he's been brainwashed.
- Mum: so he's a bad guy?
- Me: no, he's been brainwashed, he's not a bad guy, we like him.
- Mum: but he's acting bad
- Me: yes, but he can't help it.
- Mum: but whhhhhyyyyyyyy?
so in LOTR’s appendices it says that legolas eventually builds a boat and takes gimli across the seas and into the west, the gray havens. you know, the place arwen isn’t allowed to go because she’s in love with a human dude bUT LEGOLAS (AKA ‘YOU LITTLE SHIT’) JUST SAYS “FUCK IT” AND SNEAKS GIMLI INTO THE GODDAMN UNDYING LANDS LIKE CONTRABAND TWIZZLERS INTO A MOVIE THEATER
best literary analysis ever
thor is always running into little kids who are thrilled to meet him - he doesn’t really understand the concept of signing autographs, but he starts carrying asgardian toys around in his pockets to give to kids he meets (much to shield’s chagrin - how are we supposed to keep alien tech under control when the god of thunder is giving out magnetic propulsion toys to five-year-olds?)
but one day, he meets this girl who’s nine, maybe ten, and she runs up to him all misty-eyed and immediately asks him if he knows jane foster
and her mother’s embarrassed because “honey, that’s thor, aren’t you excited to see thor?” but the girl just explains that she wants to be a scientist when she grows up, and that jane foster is the astrophysicist (she pronounces the word carefully, as if she’s been practicing) who found out how the rainbow bridge worked - isn’t that so cool? she read about it in kids discover and they watched a documentary in school and dr. foster was in it and it made her think that maybe because she likes planets so much she could be a scientist, too
and thor smiles broadly and tells her that wanting to be a scientist is a noble dream, and he says “if your mother would be willing, i could introduce you”
and that’s how jane foster ends up with a tiny science geek in pigtails trailing around behind her in her lab, asking how everything works. jane can’t really comprehend the fact that a kid would want to meet her, but she likes explaining things and she looks at this girl and can’t help seeing herself. thor is just fucking delighted because to him the idea of jane being a child’s hero makes perfect sense, why wouldn’t it? she’s jane
and years later the girl grows up to be an astrophysicist or an astronaut or an aerospace engineer and she never forgets the time that dr. jane foster knelt down beside her and said, don’t let anybody stop you from chasing the stars, if that’s what you want
jane foster inspiring girls in science, y/y